James Foral's Guide to Surviving Necromorphs
by Captain Crazy-Nonsense
Summary: James Foral, one of only a few survivors of the Necromorph outbreak in London, reaches out to provide a helping hand with surviving the Necromorph Horde. Read and Review.
1. Part 1: Basic Survival

**Hey, it's me, Captain Crazy-Nonsense, here to give you... a guide! For surviving Necromorph outbreaks! ... Yeah, I just felt like writing it, okay? This list will be put into a larger, better story, like how one of my other stories (White Marker) got turned into a better one (USG Colorado).**

**Oh, and by the way: My name isn't James Foral. Okay? This is the point of view of a character I made up. I'm not actually this evil. I just want to conquer the world, that's the only way you can claim I'm evil.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Dead Space. I never will own Dead Space. EA owns Dead Space. Visceral Games owns Dead Space. Stockholders own Dead Space. I don't. The end.**

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><p>This is James Foral. I'm a survivor of a terrible incident here in London. One of a few, from what I'm aware of. I've survived this long, so I guess that I'm still going to be alive for a little longer. Might as well pass on some information that I've learned so far about staying alive.<p>

I should begin with this situation. The city has been overrun by creatures that I call Necromorphs. Feel free to call them whatever you want, but I call them Necromorphs. And if you've found this text log, well, you already know what it is I'm talking about. I'd better begin. This is James Foral's Guide to Surviving Necromorphs.

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><p><em>1. Aim for the Limbs<em>

This is vital information. Do not waste any of your ammo taking chest or head shots. Those things won't die that way. They'll only stay down once you've taken off their limbs. And if you do take chest or head shots, be sure that you don't go near it. The Necromorphs can pretend to be dead, and they will jump you once you've turned your back. What I'm saying is this: aim exclusively for the limbs. I know that they're small targets, and hard to hit, but unless you've taken the limbs clear off, the Necromorphs will keep coming after you, and they will try to kill you.

_2._ _Get Good Equipment_

I know that this sounds pretty vague, but you need to make sure that you've got stuff to fight the Necromorphs off with. Don't use normal guns, like Pulse Rifles. Those don't exactly do much to hurt them, and they don't have the accuracy that you need to tear off limbs. Find a department store and try to find a plasma cutter with some ammo. It can make cuts at just about any range, and it has an indicator to assist you with aiming. Like I previously said, aim for the limbs. See if you can jury-rig it to shoot more shots without needing to reload. Benches have the equipment you'll need for that.

_3. Use "Special" Equipment_

That sounds even vaguer, I admit. What I mean is that you should find a RIG to wear, and hook it up with some equipment. Depending on your occupation, you might have a RIG available at a Store. I didn't, though, so I had to go through the very complicated process of getting a dead guy out of his RIG. The RIG's can take some blunt force trauma for you, and you'll need that protection. Also, I got REALLY lucky with this, but if you can, get Stasis and Kinesis modules. The Kinesis can help save some valuable ammo if you've got any sharp objects around. The Stasis can help get you out of a few sticky situations by slowing down time, if any Necromorphs get nearby. Just make sure you're a good distance away from your target before using it. (Consult a user's manual before you use either. Make sure they're on the right way, etc.)

_4. DO NOT STAY IN ONE PLACE FOR VERY LONG_

Necromorphs seem to be able to hunt for us humans, so they will find you if you idly stand around waiting for help. I've seen it happen to lots of people. They try to hide, and then Necromorphs galore horde around their hiding place. When I say this, I mean don't try to hole up in, like, an armory. You'll run out of bullets faster than you think. I'm on the move while writing this. I suggest you get moving, too.

_5. Pay Attention to Everything around You_

I'm aware that this is contradictory to what I just said, but pay attention to everything. Only be semi-focused on this text log, and focus on everything. You don't want to stumble across a Necromorph playing dead, I can tell you that. And also, be careful around bridges. They have a nasty tendency to collapse under you.

_6. Stay the Hell Away from the Vents_

Like aliens in all of those movies, Necromorphs can use air vents to move past any of your fancy fortifications, if you decide to ignore #4, like someone who's about to be dead. Do you know how many vents the average building has? Unless you're holed up in your house, (good luck with that, by the way) you'll never be able to keep the Necromorphs out of the building you're in. Hope you had a good life, dumbass. If you have to pass by vents, do it carefully, or you might end up with a few pieces of metal through your neck, or you might have a dead body on top of you that's trying to rip your face off.

_7._ _Don't Aim for Obvious Targets_

If you see a really fat Necromorph, or one that's body parts are glowing, DO NOT SHOOT AT THE GLOWING PARTS! These things will explode, and that explosion will mess you up if you're too close. If you're sure you can hit, and you're too far for a small explosion to harm you, take the shot. But make sure you don't miss. It might cost you your life.

_8. Don't Bother Having a Conscience_

If you pity the Necromorphs, because they're clearly dead people, stop now. That will get you killed, easy. This is doubly true for the baby Necromorphs. The glowing ones are little suicide bombers, and those weird ones with the tentacles growing out of your back will, in no particular fashion, shot your god damn head off. And they don't aim to miss. Like I said, don't pity the 'morphs. They won't pity you.

_9. Now is the Time to be a Lone Wolf_

Don't group together with others. They're a liability, just one more thing to worry about. And, if you're doing things right, just one more Necromorph to kill later on. If you run into any other survivors, it might be better to just kill them off. The Necromorphs can do something to your head, and you don't want to be there when they snap. If you run into me, do your best to kill me. I'll be doing the same to you.

_10. Don't Just Try to Leave the City_

You'll need to remember this. If you're in a city that has a Necromorph outbreak, just remember that Necromorphs are like a virus. They spread, fast. Try to find a helicopter or a shuttle, and get as far away as physically possible. I actually arrived in this city after fighting my way out of another. It obviously didn't work too well. Try to find a city that hasn't been affected by Necromorphs. It would make sense to go somewhere cold. Like space. Or Alaska. The temperature would probably cause the Necromorphs to freeze up and die before they get to you.

_11. Cannibalism_

I know that it sounds a little wrong, but if you manage to find a dead body that hasn't been affected by the Necromorphs, eat it. You'll need the energy and the nutrients. Like I said earlier, forget your pity. Your life matters more than your morals. Don't trust any boxed food. I opened a box and got a face-full of tiny Necromorphs that managed to chew their way through my RIG's armor. Not a very pleasant experience.

_12. Don't Be a Hero_

This was already established in #9, but don't try to be a hero and save people. I get how you feel, "Oh, yay, zombies! Now I can save the day!" Don't do it. If you meet anyone like this, put them out of their goddamn misery. It's suicidal to think like this. If you try to be the hero, you'll probably only get yourself killed. Or worse, you might end up like one of those unlucky bastards on the walls; still alive but somehow turned into a Necromorph.

_13. It's Okay to run like a Coward_

If you find yourself in a hopeless situation (13-to-one in a narrow corridor, I was just in this situation) and you aren't entirely confident in your abilities, and you don't want to die, RUN. If you're fast enough, they won't be able to catch you. If you aren't… nice knowing you.

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><p>Okay, I'm running out of space on this text log, and I'm dropping it wherever you find it. Hope that it helps. Hope I don't run into you. Hope I'm long gone by the time you find it.<p>

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><p><strong>And there's the Guide. Feel like something should be added to it, or should be edited? Feel free to leave a review telling me, and I'll be sure to consider adding it.<strong>

**Read and review.**


	2. Part 2: Humans

**I wasn't expecting that there would be a part 2 to this, but I felt like continuing the Guide for some reason. Eh. The next two chapters (If I decide to write the next chapter) will be about surviving humans and Necromorphs, respectively. After that, the Guide might end unless someone suggests anything in the review page. I'm going to respond to reviews now.**

**X-WolfHunter: No… I really don't know… Do you mean evil or crazy? Do you mean that James Foral is evil? If so, then let me continue by saying…**

**You're evil (it isn't a PM, it's the username you're ending me. Choose a better name, Anon.): Oh, I'm evil for writing down the helpful advice of James Foral, am I? Yeah, he's a little off of his top. This chapter is going to respond to a few things that you had to say. Also, Necromorphs aren't zombies. They are dead humans that have been brought back to life by radiation from a large conduit of energy, which mutates their bodies. Get your facts straight. …But thanks for reviewing. At least you had the courtesy to do it.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Dead Space.**

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><p>Well, I thought that I would be dead by now, but apparently I'm not. Here's the next edition of James Foral's Guide to Surviving Necromorphs. Quick reminder: these are based on personal experiences. This edition has more to do with surviving survivors than Necromorphs.<p>

Just in case you've been wondering, during this whole incident here, I burned through twenty-six partners that _all_ died or tried to kill me before I decided to kill everyone. That's why I seem to have this bias against people.

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><p><em><strong>Part 2: Humans<strong>_

_1. It's Best to Admit that You're Insane Now Rather than Later_

I know that this sounds significantly more than vague, but let's face facts. We've all been hearing those voices in our heads by now, and we've all been seeing things that aren't really there—things that can't actually happen (seeing my dead brother for me). It's best just to admit that you're a mad lunatic and get it out of the way. It'll probably save you the trouble of having to deal with it later, and causing you to go batshit crazy when you realize the truth about yourself

_2. Companions are, again, a Liability_

I thought about what I said earlier, and I thought to myself, "I should make sure that people who didn't get the first Guide hear this point again". If you're traveling with anyone, and I mean _anyone_, ditch them or kill them. Right now. The above point applies to everyone, not just you. If one of your partners goes berserk on you, you don't want to be there when it happens.

_3. Seriously. Ditch them. _

Just in case you feel like ignoring my ever-so-helpful advice, and are waiting until you see some form of insanity, don't. Okay? You don't need to be a five-star actor to pull off a "sane person" act. (Again, personal experience)

_4. Take whatever you Need, Leave the Rest_

If you come across a door that requires somebody's fingerprint in order to open, and you're pretty sure that you know whose hand has said fingerprint, then—listen very closely—take their hand. They won't be needing it anymore; because they're either already dead or you're killing them to get the hand. Same goes for the eyes and RIG identification card. If you have a backpack or even a small storage compartment, store the stolen parts in there. Odds are, you'll need them for later.

_5. There is no Shame in Looting Dead Bodies_

If someone is dead, that means that they are no longer alive. If they are no longer alive, they have no use for any of their money. If you have money, you can buy nice things. See the connection here? This also goes for the RIG ID's. If you remove their ID cards, you can access their Store accounts and take some free stuff out of Storage. Simple convenience. Don't feel guilty about looting the dead bodies. Like I said, they're already dead. … And there's a good chance that you killed them.

_6. Those Wild and Wacky Unitologists_

If you see any Unitologists, shoot them dead. They worship the Necromorphs and believe that they are the next stage in evolution. See what I mean? Crazy. Shoot them. On sight. Drop all other priorities, because they'll try to kill you if you're killing Necromorphs.

_7. Check for Traps_

If you're like me, you're paranoid. If you're paranoid like me, you leave traps behind to make sure that nothing is chasing you. If you're like me, then you went ahead of everyone else and set traps up that wouldn't be easily seen. If you're like me, then you aren't wherever you currently are. Watch out for my traps. They're very clever. Other people seem to have caught onto my idea, too, so be careful.

_8. Hide_

I've been saying all the way up to here that you should kill everyone that you meet. Let me revise that: kill everyone _except_ for EarthGov soldiers. There a large number of them running around the city, and they're killing anyone who gets in their way. Also, if you're saying to yourself, "Well, that seems like a pretty good reason _to_ kill them," let me tell you this now: EarthGov soldiers are _really _good with their weapons. I nearly got my head blown off by a Seeker shell, and it killed the guy next to me, who was about to (literally) stab me in the back. The only time I've seen them begin to lose soldiers is when they get swarmed by Necromorphs. If you end up close to some soldiers, run and hide. They (hopefully) won't chase after you, and if they do, well, you better have a good hiding place, you poor sod.

_9. _ _Poison Gas_

I really don't like to be the bearer of bad news, but I've got something _really_ bad to tell you. If the air begins to smell a bit like rotten eggs, then you should turn the other way and run like a bitch. EarthGov's soldiers are deploying poison gas that kills everything that breathes it in. Everything. I've seen both Necromorphs and humans dropping like flies in the stuff (I think that the soldiers have filters in their RIG's). From what I've seen, it doesn't have any color, only a scent, but it wears off after about ten minutes, so just stay inside while it's out there. If you breath it in, you'll know because everything you see will start turning red, you start to cough out blood, and you lose all basic control of your arms and legs. One of my partners bit the dust that way. The standard RIG's oxygen supply won't help you in these situations.

_10. Dead Bodies_

Okay, slightly unusual statement. You know those dead bodies that you see lying around all over the place (because everything is trying to kill everything)? Use kinesis on them before you go near them. A lot of survivors and even some Necromorphs play dead to use themselves as a trap. Your kinesis module (if you have one) can't pick up living things, though. The natural body heat that comes from both humans and Necromorphs naturally cancels out the Kinesis field. If they're dead, it shouldn't be a problem anymore. I'm not an expert on the subject of Kinesis, though, so take that with a grain of salt.

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><p>If I live to write the next guide, then it will be about the Necromorphs and not about humans. Because I think that by reading this you get the point about people.<p>

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><p><strong>Okay, then.<strong>

**Read, review, and check out my stories. … And then come back two months later, because I'm sure I'll have updated them by then (no promises). I don't continue writing until I get at least one review, so press the blue letters below.**


	3. Part 3: Necromorphs

**Well, I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to write the next chapter of one of my stories (go look on my profile page, it'll be obvious which one I'm talking about), so I decided to be a complete arse to my reviewers and stall even longer so I can write the next chapter of the Guide. Don't you feel special?**

**Jan Lee: Actually, if you go back and read the previous chapter, it says the first time that the gas only has an odor. The second time James brings it up, he says it has no color (meaning you can't see it), but it does have an odor you can smell shortly before breathing the actual gas in. Consistency Nazi (that would be me), AWAY! Thanks for reviewing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Dead Space. I'm actually planning to turn the Guide into my own illustrated book, but I can't draw, and I think I'd need way more content than what I have, so that's probably out of the question. *Holds out coffee cup that says "Reviews" while sitting on FanFiction Avenue wearing my Internet Hobo outfit***

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><p>Well, you found my next guide to surviving Necromorphs. If you haven't been keeping up, this is my guide to surviving the zombies (I call them Necromorphs) that roam the streets of this city. The last chapter was about surviving other survivors. Here's the one about the Necromorphs.<p>

If you read the first part, you'd know that I already went over Necromorphs. I feel it's necessary to go over it again.

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><p><em><strong>Part 3: Necromorphs<strong>_

_1. They Can and Will Swarm You_

Necromorphs are surprisingly smart, despite being made of dead people. They know tactics. And the best tactic they know is to swarm you. As you may know by personal experience (but you probably don't), Necromorphs are a lot more deadly while surrounding you than they are when your back's to a wall (ironic as that is, it's the truth). Necromorphs seem to know that they have numbers advantages, and will attack you on sight if they learn they have that advantage. Not to imply that they won't attack you on sight otherwise, because they will, but if they're in groups it complicates matters immensely.

_2. Do Not Hide from Them_

As covered in the first part of the Guide, Necromorphs seem to have this uncanny ability to detect where humans are. Contradictory to what I said in the last part, you _should never_ try hiding from a Necromorph, as opposed to hiding from EarthGov soldiers. Even the headless ones will find a way to locate you, which leads me to my next point:

_3._ _A Headless Necromorph is probably an Alive Necromorph_

This caught me off-guard so many times. I shot their heads off, thought that I had killed the Necromorphs, tried running past them, and then they turned to attack me. Necromorphs, like some zombies (the ones that contradict the norm), can survive decapitation. The only exceptions are with the weird grey toddler Necromorphs (seriously, look out for those, because they _do_ travel in packs) and occasionally with the larger grey Necromorphs that puke acid at you (I'll have to make up some names for them later).

_4. They can Play Dead, and they are Really Good at It_

As covered in the last part of the Guide, Necromorphs can play dead and use their bodies as traps. They are very committed to this ruse when they decide to use it. At one point, a partner and I encountered a dead Necromorph. We shot three shots each into it, and then walked away when we were confident it was dead. It immediately stood up when our backs were turned and cut off the head of my partner. I feel it's necessary to restate that Necromorphs are really smart, all things considered.

_5. Glowing Orange Parts_

I stated in Part One that you shouldn't shoot the glowing orange parts on Necromorphs. Part One is filled with holes like that. Here's the truth. Don't shoot the glowing orange parts on any Necromorphs that you can tell are made out of one person. Those parts will explode. If the Necromorphs are made of more than one person (you can tell because these ones are much more massive than the norm), then _shoot the god damned orange parts! Those are what are holding the thing together!_ … But really, if you're that close to a massive Necromorph, then you are doing something _seriously _wrong.

_6. Kill the Wall Men_

I've run into some Necromorphs that were pinned to walls. If you get close, they'll instantly decapitate you (I bet you know how I found that out). If you try distancing yourself, they'll fire exploding pods of flesh at you. Just kill them. Let me go a little further. If you see someone pinned to a wall, anyone, just kill them. It'll make someone's day a little easier later on, because those people will eventually turn into Necromorphs. But here's the kicker: I think that these Necromorphs (I nicknamed them Wall Men) are still alive. I killed one (of the Necromorph variety, not the human kind), and I literally heard it yell in pain, "Thank you!" The humans stuck to walls asked me to kill them "before they turn". If you were going to earn any morality points for the afterlife at any time, now would probably be best time. Mercy killing for the win.

_7. Don't Play Dead_

Anyone who plays dead is an absolute idiot. That's what the Necromorphs do, and they don't take kindly to imitators. Not even the suicidal exploding babies are dumb enough to fall for it. The suicidal exploding babies. If you've seen other people getting away with it, don't copy them. If it ever worked, it stopped working a long time ago. Also, the infector bat-like Necromorphs might fall for it, but then they'll think you're a dead body and will infect you alive anyways, so…

_8. You will never be safe from the Necromorphs_

I already covered this in Part One, but just in case you didn't read that, then remember this. You know how I said that you couldn't hide from Necromorphs? Yeah, you still can't. And get this: they know if you're hiding. It's been a pain in the ass trying to stay awake, because there are so many places to sleep for the night; but I know that if I stop anywhere, the Necromorphs will find me and they will fuck me up. Every locked room has a vent. Every door has a limit. Every bunker has its weak point. Every cage has its openings. You'll never be safe as long as you're still here. If you've got a partner helping you out, and if you can trust them enough (you'd better not), then maybe they can stand guard while you take a nap. Maybe you'll wake up in time to see that either you've got a knife to your throat, or that he's already dead and you're about to be turned into a human pincushion, you goddamn _dumbass_.

_9. Necromorphs are Smart, not Wise_

I've said a few times now that Necromorphs are smart. They've got their own sense of tactics, they can bide their time and wait through pain, they can even play dead. But they aren't intelligent. They have a tendency to overestimate their abilities, trip over themselves, and hurt each other when nearby. The main thing I notice is that their main tactic is to charge blindly toward you in an attempt to turn you into a pincushion. Use this to your advantage. They typically don't get out of the way of incoming projectiles. I've floored a countless many Necromorphs by throwing vending machines at them (I love Kinesis).

_10. Don't Touch the Blades_

When you cut off the limbs of the Necromorphs with weird backward arms, I know it's tempting to use the spear at the end as a weapon. Matter of fact, do that; _you'll_ need the assistance. But _do not _touch the spears with your hands. I saw some liquid coming off of the end that looked very similar to the liquid coming off of the infecting Necromorphs' Infect-o-spears. What I'm saying is, don't touch the things with your bare hands, because it will gnaw through your skin and get into your bloodstream, which will probably turn you into a Necromorph. Did I mention that the blade is still alive even after you sever it? Yeah. It is. Be careful.

_11. The Annoying Little Blobs_

Let me help you visualize something. You're walking into a room. There's a dead body on the floor. You lean over to steal (you can call it borrowing, but then you're just a liar) their RIG's ID piece, so that you can steal some money out of their Store's account, so you can buy nicer things for yourself. Suddenly, you're feeling immense pain all over your body, as if something is biting you. Let me give you advice on your current situation. Run from the dead body. Drop on the floor. Roll. You aren't on fire, but you're covered in tiny Necromorphs that can eat you alive. Through a RIG (if you don't have one by now and you're still alive, then you might just be Space Jesus, or you're just stupid). I don't even know how it's possible, but it is, apparently. These annoying buggers look like tiny balls of… skin, I guess. Anyways, the way to kill them is to generally apply any amount of force to them (just touching them is enough). By far they are the easiest Necromorphs to kill (besides the explosive blokes, obviously). But odds are, you can't reach every single point on your body where they have attached (I can, thank god for my double joints), so the easiest solution is stop, drop, and roll. Unless there's other Necromorphs around. Then you should suck it up and take the pain like a man. And then immediately roll on the ground like a little girl once they're dead. Whatever you do, don't flail yourself around like a madman. That just helps them dig in. But it… also gets them off? I don't know, I saw some weird guy in a fancy RIG flailing and I'm just going to assume it works, because he just kept walking afterward. But I tried it and it hurt like a bitch once I did, so hell if I know.

_12. No Mercy_

This is self-explanatory. The Necromorphs won't spare you. You can beg to them, offer them tribute, worship them, pretend you're one of them, run from them, hide from them, try to befriend them, try to establish dominance over them, try using _black magic_ to take over their minds, killing them and using the bodies as a disguise from other Necromorphs, spare them and hope that they've lost their honor so they won't attack you, give them your friends as a sacrifice to save your own life, and try to hypnotize them into becoming your friends, but they will not spare you. Trust me, I have seen _every single one _of the listed items fail. _Every single one._ They _don't work_. _Necromorphs won't spare you_. Remember to return the favor. Preferably with superheated pieces of metal.

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><p>Hope this edition helps you. If I can come up with anything else to add, you might find it here in the city, but hopefully I'll be gone by then.<p>

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><p><strong>In case you were wondering, yes, James Foral is British. What was your first clue, James saying stuff like "Bugger", "Sod", and "Bloke", or him being so damn sarcastic all the time?<strong>

**Anyways, if I'm going to write another chapter for the Guide, it'll probably be about what weapons to use against Necromorphs, and whether they're any good or not. But I'll need some reviews for that, and I have a pessimistic doubt that I'll get them.**

**Read, review, and check out my stories. Anonymous reviews welcome Come back later because I might have updated one of my stories by then. **


	4. Part 4: Killing Everything, Staying Sane

**SWEET MOTHER OF SPACE JESUS. You guys reviewed a lot over the past couple of... I don't know how long the gap between this chapter and the last one is. Anyways, this is the final time I'm going to update my stories this summer. I've got summer school, and I don't think I have the time to write for a while. Well, I'd be wasting your time responding to the reviews here (Holy Space Jesus, FIVE reviews for one chapter?), so I guess that I'll just start the story.**

**Edit: I F***IN' KNEW IT! Just got the latest GameInformer, and I found out that you definitely SHOULD NOT try to eat Necromorphs, or you turn into a special new variant, the Feeder! And that's what I said (aside from the turning into a Necromorph part) in the first part of the Guide! WHOOO!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Dead Space. Muah ha ha... Muah ha ha! MUAH HA HA! _MUAH HA HA HA HA HA!_ But no, I really don't.**

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><p>Well, it looks like this is the end. Fall asleep for the first time in three days, and I wake up to find that I've been swarmed by enough Necromorphs to make even Stalin retreat like a bitch. I might as well make one last guide to Necromorph survival before I die here. The door that's holding out the Necromorphs is probably going to collapse any minute now, so don't be surprised if this chapter of the Guide is cut short.<p>

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><p><strong>James Foral's Guide to Surviving Necromorphs<strong>

_Part 4: Killing Everything and Staying Sane_

_1. Use Everything to Your Advantage_

I know this sounds obvious, but this is pretty much as summarized as I can put this chapter of the Guide. You know, because of the aforementioned Necromorphs about to break into this room. Use everything to your advantage so that you can kill more efficiently. Bombs, guns, cars, other human beings; use everything. Actually, you can combine those four things to benefit your killing experience:

_2. Car Bombs_

This is one of the cruelest things that you can do to another human being, but the other cruelest things are also on this list. It starts off like this: get a Detonator (pretty much a gun that fires bombs [I stole mine from a dead EarthGov soldier]), a car (preferably one that already has a few explosives stored in it), and a live human. Tie up the person (but don't gag them), throw them in the car, rig the car to explode by placing dormant Detonator mines on the car (simple setting change on the side of the Detonator; just flip that switch to 'D' instead of 'A', about three will do), lock the doors, and _run the hell away. _The noise you and the other person (warning: make sure they're awake, they have to make noise and attract attention) make will attract Necromorphs to try murdering said individual. Once you are content that there are enough Necromorphs swarmed around the car, press the little red button on your Detonator. It should completely annihilate anything close enough to the car. That and it's pretty hilarious to watch things blow up. BOOM! … Wow, I put a lot of parentheses in this.

_3. Hit and Run_

Oh, joy. I thoroughly enjoy running things over in cars. It's a luxury that you don't get to enjoy very often when there is society and not just complete anarchy. And what is more enjoyable than to hit those bastard creations of God's that murdered everything? Hit them hard enough and it will more than likely tear them clear in half, potentially killing them. Just don't try to hit the big ones. Trust me; I'm a dentist. Also, don't try leaving in the car; EarthGov's got all the roads out sealed shut and they've got Detonators just in case you thought you could break through their lines.

_4. Minigun_

Oh, boy… This is one thing that I cannot exactly give my approval of or disproval of. While a gatling gun, more commonly known as a minigun, is very, _very _effective at killing things (I managed to tear off at least thirty Necromorph limbs within the ten seconds I was carrying one), it is very, _very_ heavy. Like I just said, I was only able to lift one for about ten seconds before I had to drop it, and I'm in pretty good shape. If you can lift one up and carry it around because you are Hercules, then I congratulate you for your success, o' mighty Olympian, but then comes carrying the ammo, which I also found to be pretty heavy. Oh, yeah, and trust me; you'll run out of that ammo fast. So… I suppose you shouldn't use a minigun, unless you just happen to find one. This is admittedly pretty unlikely.

_5. FIRE!_

Fire is fun. It can burn just about anything to a smoldering crisp. Whether it be the humble campfire, or the napalm-injected flames that come out of flamethrowers (my personal favorite kind of fire), fire burns things. Especially Necromorphs. And you know what's even easier to kill than Necromorphs? Normal human beings. And the normal human beings often put on a show while trying to put the fire out. Flailing like maniacs, rolling on the floor, despite how pointless trying to get napalm fire off of you is, and screaming in terror. It's a lot of fun. Also, that might be your way of staying sane through this infection; I don't know. … Oh yeah, get a flamethrower if you get the chance.

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><p>Okay, well, something else is out there. I'm hearing some gunfire, and lots of it, so that's probably some EarthGov soldiers. But I saw how many Necromorphs there are out there; there isn't a chance they'll survive.<p>

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><p><em>6. Take Advantage of Necromorphs' Stupidity<em>

Necromorphs are idiots. That isn't to say they're not smart, but they aren't very intelligent. For instance, you know how an average, not even intelligent human would spot an active Detonator mine and change their path to avoid it? Necromorphs won't. They'll walk right into one and blow up. Stand in front of a window (preferably on the ninth floor or higher) and then jump out of the way when a Necromorph charges blindly at you. Make a game of it; see how many Necromorphs will jump out before one gets it and you actually have to use ammunition on one. If you're doing it right, you'll either reach at least the thirties or plummet horribly to your death. Still, no risk, no reward, right? Plus, it's hilarious listening to a Necromorph plummet to certain death, howling as they fall. … No, _you're _insane.

_7. Have Some Damn Fun_

I know that this and the last step of the Guide are a little hypocritical to the whole "Don't stay in one place" rule I've been preaching in the previous three installments, (admittedly, I wouldn't be in this situation if I had listened to my own rule) but you need to relax. Calm down. Always being on the run will make you paranoid. And if you're paranoid, then you'll (apparently) think that you're actually already dead and you're already a Necromorph. How do I know this? An accomplice of mine went crazy and attacked me. I had to kill the guy. Twice (always be on the lookout for those infectors).

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><p>Necromorph just tried getting in through a vent I hadn't noticed earlier. I'm sealing it off, but I can tell that it won't be long until the Necromorphs break in and kill me. The gunfire's still going; Jesus Christ; how much ammo do they have in their guns?<p>

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><p><em>8. Stasis<em>

Stasis is this neat little tool that's for slowing time down… somehow; I'm not entirely sure how exactly that works, but I'm not complaining. If you can slow down time, you can get more accurate shots off at anything in your way. But Stasis Packs are a little hard to come by, so you have to use it in moderation. All else that I can really say is

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><p>Oh shit, they're breaking in. Looks like this is it. This is the end of James Foral, and his guide to Necromorph Survival.<p>

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><p><strong>I know. The ending was shit. Thanks for sticking around this long. I appreciate all the support I got to get here.<strong>

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